Who cheats more? Men or women? And why do partners sometimes feel the need to cheat? When it comes to infidelity, the reasons vary for men and women. In fact, gender often plays some role in what led to the indiscretion. For example, one reason men often stray is because they don’t feel respected by their partner. In a recent conversation with The Cheat Sheet, Lesli Doares, couples consultant and author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage, told us cheating among women is often due to unmet emotional needs.
To learn more about infidelity among both men and women, The Cheat Sheet spoke with psychologist Dr. Jeanette Raymond. Her answers to our questions might surprise you.
The Cheat Sheet: Despite the common belief that men tend to be cheaters, is it a possibility that women are more likely to cheat than men?
Dr. Jeanette Raymond: Absolutely. Women who have outgrown their dependency on their partners often cheat just for the exhilaration of being free and in control of their lives. They don’t want to rock the boat too much, nor do they want to feel trapped and forced to restrict themselves to a narrow lifestyle. Cheating is a great way of having that balance. [I know someone] who is married with young children who goes out dancing, picks up guys and cheats. She wants freedom because her husband is clingy and wants her to devote herself to him (which she did in the early days of their relationship). She wants to explore parts of herself that she suppressed earlier in order to get a guy.
CS: What are some reasons women cheat on their partner?
JR: Some women who change and grow but want to maintain their relationship status choose to be self-indulgent and let loose. Some women cheat to get their partners jealous so that the relationship becomes exciting again if it was in the doldrums. Others cheat because their mothers did. Many women grow up in homes where their mothers have multiple partners, often simultaneously. It becomes a norm.
CS: How can a man make a woman partner feel more loved and accepted?
JR: Noticing, acknowledging, and facilitating their partner’s psychological, emotional, and social growth is the essence of the capacity to love. Encouraging your partner to be who she is, and to fulfill her personal goals as woman are the best ways to honor and accept her.
CS: What advice do you have for a woman who is tempted to cheat?
JR: She should take a look at what’s missing in her life and try to discuss it with her partner. Then she should consider what she’s aiming for by cheating. Is she wanting to feel power, feminine, control, have the thrill of a secret? If her partner is not up to talking and discussing her change and growth, it would be a good idea to think about going to therapy to explore her personal needs and her choices. Then she doesn’t have to use cheating to force the issue of needing to grow and develop.

How cheating ruins a relationship

Cheating is betrayal to the other partner. It hurts so much that the partner goes through the same grieving process as one who has lost someone. Depending on the severity of the problem, a partner can go through denial, blaming themselves for the cheating partner and asking themselves why it had to happen to them. There are smart partners who will conceal their cheating habits. But even with the concealed behaviour, cheating will always affect your relationship.
Why people cheatDepending on the type and level of relationship it is, the causes of cheating may be numerous but they normally arise from unresolved issues in the relationship. According to Ali Male, head of counselling at YWCA Uganda, cheating is a habit that grows gradually. It starts slowly and as time goes on, one will find joy in it and it may be hard to stop.
“The major cause of cheating is sexual dissatisfaction. Once a partner is not sexually satisfied, they will find options of getting the satisfaction through cheating,” he says.
One’s character can cause their partner to cheat. For instance, if you have a nagging partner, you may seek refuge from another woman who will give you peace of mind. “Another group of people who cheat are those with low self-esteem,” Male says.
“For economic reasons, sometimes people cheat because they want to get what they do not have. If the current partner cannot provide, they normally cheat to make ends meet with a richer person,” he says, adding that, “Influence from friends can also make one cheat because this person sees other people cheat and it is okay. It is about the environment that you are in and the kind of people that surround you.”
According to Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, a counsellor at Suubi Medical Centre, cheating partners usually become angry even with the smallest mistakes.
Their guilty conscience overrides them. They normally find a mistake with the other partner and are not as free as they were before they started cheating.
Lack of intimacyAt some point, the cheating partner starts distancing themselves and the intimacy between the couple reduces. Whenever they are close to each other, they keep wishing they were with the other party. They normally find an excuse to keep away from the partner.“In a short time, the other partner will find out that you are cheating. This is because the cheating partner will lose moral authority and will start talking about the side-dish even in the presence of the spouse. He or she may mention the name or tell you to do something the way someone else does it,” says Kharono.
Loss of trustIt is hard to gain trust from a partner but very easy to lose it; and once it is lost, it may be hard to regain it. Once your partner finds out you are cheating, he may say he has forgiven you but he will not freely believe in you even when he seems not to care.
Children out of wedlockAccording to Moses Jjuuko, a social worker, people who cheat are sometimes not smart enough that they get children from the cheating relationship.
“Besides bringing diseases that are sexually transmitted in case there was unsafe sex, a cheating partner can also have children outside the legal relationship and those children are looked at as a threat and not welcome to their real family. Some men deny knowing the children because they fear facing the wrath of their wives until a DNA test is done which is usually very expensive,” says Jjuuko.
Breaking throughThe consequences of cheating are adverse and they not only affect the offended partner but it may also affect children if the couple has any. If you are the cheating type and you are married, make sure that your partner does not find out from someone else. You should be the one to reveal it to your partner.
“It is usually a hard task but it is the cost of cheating on your partner. You should be the one to break the news or you may lose the relationship,” says Stephen Langa, a counsellor at Family Life Network. “However, it must be done at the right time and mood. You can seek help from a neutral person or counsellor to help you disclose.”
He adds that after disclosing your cheating habits to your partner, you must be ready for the reactions. The offended partner will feel betrayed and you should be ready to apologise. Also cut off the links with the person with whom you are cheating and let your partner be able to realise that you are a changed person.Langa says, “Gaining trust from the offended partner may be hard and cannot happen in a few weeks or months but be transparent in whatever you do and keep the communication flowing. Do not let your partner become suspicious.”

PREJUDICE A UNIVERSAL PHENOMENOM, DESPITE ACADEMIC AND SOCIAL LEVEL.

When it comes to prejudice, it does not matter if you are smart or not, or conservative or liberal, each group has their own specific biases. In a recent study, psychologists show that low cognitive ability (i.e., intelligence, verbal ability) was not a consistent predictor of prejudice. Cognitive ability, whether high or low, only predicts prejudice towards specific groups. The results are published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.
"Very few people are immune to expressing prejudice, especially prejudice towards people they disagree with," says lead author Mark Brandt (Tilburg University, Netherlands).
Brandt and Jarret Crawford (The College of New Jersey) analyzed data from 5914 people in the United States that includes a measure of verbal ability and prejudice towards 24 different groups.
Analyzing the results, the researchers found that people with both relatively higher and lower levels of cognitive ability show approximately equal levels of intergroup bias, but towards different sets of groups. People with low cognitive ability tended to express prejudice towards groups perceived as liberal and unconventional (e.g., atheists, gays and lesbians), as well as groups of people perceived as having low choice over group membership (e.g., ethnic minorities). People with high cognitive ability showed the reverse pattern. They tended to express prejudice towards groups perceived as conservative and conventional (e.g., Christians, the military, big business).
"There are a variety of belief systems and personality traits that people often think protect them from expressing prejudice," says Brandt. "In our prior work we found that people high and low in the personality trait of openness to experience show very consistent links between seeing a group as 'different from us' and expressing prejudice towards that group. The same appears to be true for cognitive ability. " "Whereas prior work by others found that people with low cognitive ability express more prejudice, we found that this is limited to only some target groups," says Brandt. "For other target groups the relationship was in the opposite direction. For these groups, people with high levels of cognitive ability expressed more prejudice. So, cognitive ability also does not seem to make people immune to expressing prejudice."
The authors would like to see if their findings will replicate in new samples, with new target groups, and additional measures of cognitive ability.
"We used a measure of verbal ability, which is essentially a vocabulary test," says Brandt. "Although this measure correlates pretty well with other measures of cognitive ability it is not a perfect nor a complete measure."

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Social Psychological and Personality Science (SPPS) is an official journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (SPSP), the Association for Research in Personality (ARP), the European Association of Social Psychology (EASP), and the Society for Experimental Social Psychology (SESP). Social Psychological and Personality Science publishes innovative and rigorous short reports of empirical research on the latest advances in personality and social psychology.